I am a purist about cocktails, for the most part. As far as I am concerned, a “martini” comes in two flavors: Gin or Vodka. You won’t catch me drinking apple-tinis, choco-tinis, berry-tinis, kalhua-tinis, mocha-tinis, tini-tinis, or any other abomination served in a cocktail glass ending in tini. The plain, simple, unembellished martini was good enough for James Bond (although strictly speaking in the novel it was a Vesper), and it’s good enough for me.
That being said, when exactly did the “cocktail menu” become the “martini menu”? Who decided that “random alcohol or mixer plus vodka equals some kind of martini”? When is the Screwdriver going to be rebranded as the orange-tini? And I hate to ask, will it sell better?
I don’t begrudge anyone their frou-frou cocktail, their “sex on the beach” or “woo woo cocktail” or whatever they want to call it. I’ll just usually order something simpler.
But herein lies the problem. I know exactly what to expect when I order a “Tanqueray Martini, Up, Olives.” Likewise, I know what I’m getting if I order just a “vodka martini with a twist.” If I order a “Makers Mark Manhattan,” I know that in many places I had better specify “up”, or it will come on the rocks, which isn’t bad, just different. Some people look at me twice when I order a Manhattan. Apparently that’s “an old lady drink” — perhaps they are thinking of Winston Churchill’s mother. By the way, a Manhattan can be greatly improved with sweet vermouth and/or a splash of Cointreau.
Where I get into trouble is ordering a “cosmo“. What I am expecting is a drink containing cranberry juice, some sort of citrus juice or liqueur, and vodka (perhaps slightly sweetened, as cranberry is rather tart). What I have been served lately varies from that to pink lemonade with vodka, to some sort of cherry kool-aid thing with vodka (this last was so vile I couldn’t drink it and sent it back in favor of a Tanqueray Martini, above). Apparently, I am lucky to have not been served this vodka-sorbet combination from Rachel Ray. What’s next? Calling “Red Bull and Vodka” a cosmo?
Henceforth, when I get a wild hair for a cosmo, I shall order a “vodka cran” instead, and save myself much grief.
In Closing: why is Jack Welch afraid of the Obama Administration?; “we’ve got m**** f**** questions on this m**** f**** plane,” a clear security risk for blind men to ask what the heck is going on; Cheesecake Factory profits are up (on less, booze, more cheesecake. That’s not the right way to “tighten belts”, America!); better fuel efficiency in the works, and now we can’t complain that it will drive the Big 3 out of business because 2 of them are already effectively there; does Pelosi have a target on her back; health care follow up from Reich; Ezra moved; Wal-Mart sticks a fork in Game Stop, starts buying used games; LEGO USB hubs; and there’s gold (and silver) in them thar hills.
Now that Shorty Pants Martini sounds like a winner. The shrimp may just make a Martini palatable.
Calling a ‘Screwdriver’ an ‘orange-tini’ is unlikely to make it taste better. But it WILL cost more!