Ray is Out Of Time

My name is Ray.

God, it feels funny to say that. I mean, yes, Ray is my name. But nobody’s called me that in a long, long time now. They call me Raymond. Well, they try to call me Raymond but it comes out Reimon.

The Queen on the Mountain has asked me to transcribe my tale for the benefit of the Library and the Marble City on the Mountain. I will try to the best of my ability to relate my story as I remember it. Please bear with me as I am many years separated from some of the events.

I was — excuse me, someday I will be — born in a city called Los Angeles, in an place called California, which was in turn in a country called the United States of America. I suppose I was pretty smart as kids go. I did the normal things kids do: play games, learn to read and do math, take music lessons, make friends, fall hopelessly in love with girls who don’t notice you exist. My family was by no means wealthy, but they were well off enough that I had advantages many other children did not. In school I studied hard. Eventually I earned money called a “scholarship” and finished my education in San Francisco, a city further north in California. I loved it there: cool weather, people of many cultures, great food, an interesting history, no shortage of things to do. I studied something called physics.

Somehow or another I got involved in a fellow grad student’s project. He called it “Project Wells” after a famous author of a previous era, H.G. Wells. He wrote several science fiction books, including one called “The Time Machine.” The idea was to build a device that could take you to next week, or last month, or years in the past and future. In an ideal world, enough mobility could be added to the device to move in space as well as time all at once. My colleague insisted that would be a later project, one he called “Centurian” after a character in a somewhat popular fiction series involving such a device.

One of the difficulties I am having is expressing things as I remember them without necessarily explaining my entire culture and history. After all, strictly speaking my history hasn’t even happened yet. If I say too much, I might influence your future and my history. How am I to explain what happened without explaining television, English literature, Star Trek, Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, street gangs, internal combustion engines, rock music, Wikipedia, the internet, Chinatown, and dozens of other things that my people would take for granted?

After a few years of effort and countless cups of a drink called “coffee,” we finished the prototype. All our work was done on our spare time outside of classes and jobs, in a rented garage. The prototype itself was beautiful: roughly conical, with a nice wide base for stability, a solid door with a thick shatterproof window in case the traveler ended up someplace undesirable. Half the interior was taken up by the traveler’s command chair, and the other half was control panels. Theoretically, the traveler could control when he would arrive using the various dials and buttons.

Now then, maybe you noticed that I said “theoretically.” Maybe you also noticed that I mentioned that I was born in your future. In my culture’s literature, we call this “foreshadowing.”

If memory serves, my friend talked me into going on the maiden voyage of the device. He said he’d be remembered for inventing the thing, so it was only fair I be remembered for piloting it. He also pointed out that I was in much better physical shape than he — I was very athletic for a “nerd” — and would be better able to get out of trouble in strange times. This seemed logical at the time. However, as I look back, I have moments where I wonder if he was just using me to save his own skin if something went wrong.

So I climbed in, turned it on, smiled, and started turning the dial to visit an hour from then.

Nothing.

I frowned and tried to adjust the dial.

That’s when everything went wrong.

I heard a spark, then saw a little smoke. Suddenly the world outside the device became unnaturally colorful, blurry, and my stomach lurched within me. I was plunged into darkness, illuminated only by electricity dancing across the control panel. Then a bright light. Darkness and light alternated several times before things returned to normal.

I looked out the window and saw another age. The garage we’d worked in wasn’t there anymore. Or rather, it wasn’t there yet. People in old-fashioned get-ups roamed the sidewalks, and horses dragged wheeled vehicles around the hilly streets. I gawked for several minutes before the earth began to shake. That’s when I realized when and where I was.

Sign of the Times

Because nothing says “prosperity” like pallet upon pallet of ramen. Smells like college.

So here’s a couple of ramen recipes for you:

Tuna Ramen Casserole

Bring a pot of water to a boil. Add frozen mixed veggies, then when the water boils again, add the ramen. When the ramen is done, pour off the water. Combine with canned tuna, diced onion, and the spices of your choice.

Asian Ham with Noodles

Start your water boiling. Put oil in a hot wok, then start to saute some onions and bell peppers. Add garlic, soy sauce, sriracha or red pepper flakes (if you like it spicy), and a half pound of frozen stir fry veggies. Add 1 pound cubed ham. When it’s hot, drain and set aside. By now your water should be ready! Cook 2 packages of ramen until it’s almost but not quite done, then drain. Bring the wok back up to medium heat with a little oil and soy sauce, put the ramen in and give it a good stir. Put the meat and veggies in there, mix completely, and serve.

Feel free to add your own recipes in comments.

 

And Now for Something Completely Different: A “Life Well Lived” Special Post

Ok, I know this isn’t what most of my readers are used to. If it isn’t your cup of tea, I bet you can find the “In Closing” bits in their usual location at the end.

I’ve been asked by the nice people at BlogHer (see that banner ad over there? Great!) to write a post on “How do you care for your hair in the colder, drier months?” If you would like, go take a look at the official tips first. Back yet? Great. Add your comments here for a chance to win $250.

So what do I do about my hair? The sad truth is “not much”:

  • I make sure I don’t go too long between hair appointments. A lot of bad hair days are caused by split ends and growing out of a good trim. I know it’s tempting for a lady to grow hair out over the winter, but that’s only a good idea if you love ponytails… Every. Single. Day.
  • I already live in Vegas, where it’s “drier” most of the time. There is no substitute year round for a quality everyday conditioner, and perhaps a weekly deep condition. My hairdresser insists I need a leave-in, and I admit that helps on days where my hair is fighting all efforts to be combed.
  • Again, this is one I can only get away with because I live in Vegas. Never ever do this if you live someplace it freezes in winter. I am lousy with a hair dryer, so I just don’t use one! I just “gel, scrunch, and go.” As a result, I don’t have to deal with heat damage.

So no, I don’t do a lot special on my hair in winter. My skin is another story! I get very dry skin, and I have a strategy to deal with it. Of course, it involves a moisturizing sunscreen on my face. It also involves a good quality moisturizer on my hands and legs. But there’s more: my daily supplements include fish oil and Vitamin D (which I’m not getting through sun exposure); and quality anti-aging products selected with the help of a physician.

In Closing: yeah, we’ve really made things better for Afghan women, not! (I particularly like the line about “Shockingly” this is common!); using “facts and logic” — I  know the bumper sticker says that should confuse a liberal like myself — to prove CRA didn’t cause the housing bubble; How to talk to people at Thanksgiving who are likely to have read “How to talk to a Liberal, if you must” and other family members; the new poor; maybe they liked the scenery; the banks finally stole too much; police bust down the door and kill the dogs… over a stolen Xbox that wasn’t even there (ya know, I bet Microsoft would have gladly told cops what IP address it was on!); as usual, Dave Johnson is long-winded but correct (I’d add “water and sewer” to his list); Grayson is hilarious (and knows the Bible); and Shatner on Turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

It worked out so well for King Saul

 

Making sure a Convent’s mortgage bill is paid off? That’s a worthy mission from God. Getting food and medical supplies to kids in a war zone? That’s a worthy mission from God. Disaster relief? Worthy mission from God. Providing medical care to kids with cancer or congenital defects? Worthy mission from God. Charity work in general? A worthy mission from God.

Becoming — arguably — the most powerful man in the world? NOT a worthy mission from God!

Let’s make this perfectly clear. God doesn’t send those kind of messages anymore. He hasn’t since John the Baptist, and that didn’t work out so well either. We don’t do “Divine Right of Kings” in the United States of America. The very existence of the United States of America denies the concept of Divine Right of Kings. The idea that someone is actually running for President and saying in public that it’s because God wants him to should scare the hell out of all of us, whether we believe God exists or no.

Only dangerous men and madmen claim that God wants them to seize power. I’ve even heard preachers say that from the pulpit.

Way back in 2007 I pointed out that even a divinely appointed government can be corrupt, and it seems clear that Herman Cain is somewhat less than a paragon of virtue.

Listen, Herman. You want to make this country better? Go back to creating jobs making crappy pizzas. The only industry you will help as President will be comedy writers.

In Closing: if “global climate change” is a hoax, why is every big company preparing for it? [or, “Not without my bourbon!”]; loss of faith; never give up; tyranny of pr0-“life”; Child Rape in an Infotainment World; I guess I gotta hold my nose to vote; in summary; banks will just lie to follow new rules; and “Oh F***, the Internet is here!”

Down And Out on Paradise

Sticklers for detail will notice this is the Strip and not actually Paradise, a few blocks East.

Things are tough all over.

I do hope nobody is surprised to learn that poverty in the United States is even higher than expected. After all, some 15% of our population is on food stamps — and that’s according to the freaking Wall Street Journal! And it is worse than average here in Vegas, where the “recovery” you lucky souls in other parts of the nation have been experiencing the last 2 years has passed us by like some angry Santa:

There’s a newer version of this chart right here. Add to that the fact that Vegas is still the reigning foreclosure capital of the nation, and it shouldn’t be any shock that we have a problem with homelessness and “food security” — a fancy term for “no food and/or no money for food.” Please remember that no matter what you may think of the work ethic of people in these situations, some of the people effected are children. There are mighty few jobs available to children that will pay the family’s bills, and most of them are worse than mere hunger.

Maybe if Wall Street didn’t sell us a pack of lies about how we can run our economy on lattes and cheap imports, we could change things. Even Starbucks is trying to create jobs outside the Latte Economy.

In Closing: is police use of a GPS really different from tailing them (uh, yeah); whites use more drugs, but blacks get sent to prison more (huh, could the War on Drugs possibly be racist??); even a broken clock is right twice a day; Americans would rather have government bureaucrats than insurance company bureaucrats (who could know these things?); amen; and right on, Rick.

Breaking the Shorties

Otherwise Occupied: the OWS movement may actually be getting somewhere. It was really a bad idea to seriously injure a Marine, because they are serious about Occupy. Someone who can’t tell the difference between an enemy who wants to hurt you and an innocent that does not want to hurt you shouldn’t be allowed to carry a gun. Don’t forget other ways to peacefully protest the banks.

Maybe that wasn’t a good idea: B of A is backing down from their boil-the-frog fees.

Be Sure to Double Check the Name: Attention conservatives! Even the CATO guys think medical malpractice damage caps are a bad idea. Last I heard, those guys were just barely less conservative than the Heritage Foundation.

Speaking of Cato: Cato Fellow and extremely talented magician/comedian Penn Jillette has risen to Glenn Beck’s challenge to write 10 Commandments for Atheists.

Speaking of Republicans Being Wrong: The freaking World Bank says they’re wrong about the economy. Regulation is not preventing job creation and it never did.

Not Helpful: yet more talk of a foreclosure fraud settlement proposal that gives the banks a slap on the wrists for trashing our housing values and preventing a meaningful economic recovery. On the other hand, maybe doing something about mortgage debt will help. Good luck making the banks suck that up.

Yeah, it’s the FIZZ and not the SUGARS: Teens who drink non-diet “fizzy drinks” more prone to violence. Note the careful use of the phrase non-diet instead of sweetened.

Strike: General Strike November 2. Don’t work, don’t spend money, don’t do anything taxable. If you must go to work, don’t spend money.

Now will you make a freaking MLS client that runs on Lion???:  Turns out Mac users are more productive. And that includes the time we spend finding workarounds for cludgy Windows only and MSIE only things we need for work! I’m talkin to you, Marketlinx! Don’t tell me “you’re aware of the problem” just fix it.

And Finally: Happy 125th Birthday to the Statue of Liberty.

 

Is that a Biblical name?

Here’s a story that made me happy and sad all at once: this week 285 girls in India were granted new names, replacing names that mean “unwanted.”  Now, I can’t imagine naming my child something like that, and I can’t even imagine allowing my relatives to name a child that. But apparently it’s common enough in India that a big ceremony was put together for these 285 girls to legally change their names. And I am glad they have that opportunity.

Unfortunately, there is precedent in the Bible. You know those kids were well adjusted too….

In Closing: many parents go online before calling a doctor; we got a really big shoe for you tonight (kinda cool, if you have room); too big to fail?; a whole bunch of stuff about OWS; “The flat tax is a fraud“; why does anybody let Santorum have a microphone?; trade-in; privatized regulation is a joke; “In other words, the growth in the amount that individuals are consuming is lower, but individuals are paying more for what they are consuming” (most of us would call that “inflation”); and a Viking boat burial.

Be aware that I’ve had a huge spam problem lately. If the spam hose continues, I will have no choice but to close to comments in a matter of days.

The Most Important Thing You Are Likely to Read Today

Hi folks. Sorry for the lack of posts. It’s been a crazy, crazy couple of weeks.

So, what are the protesters so upset about, really?

Do they have legitimate gripes?

To answer the latter question first, yes, they have very legitimate gripes.

And if America cannot figure out a way to address these gripes, the country will likely become increasingly “de-stabilized,” as sociologists might say. And in that scenario, the current protests will likely be only the beginning.

Want to know why the protesters are so upset? Here it is, with pictures. This ain’t hard. The only thing missing is the frustration of knowing that banks are above the law, allowed to continue being so big they can single-handedly crash the economy,  and they made matters worse by creating the foreclosure crisis.
Read ’em and weep. And then do something about it.
In Closing: Let women die; crazy idea; huhuhmmhuhuh; reason #128 why nobody gives a shit what the American Academy of Pediatrics has to say; amen; death and taxes; free trade; and have a great week.

Is the 50 State Foreclosure Fraud Settlement Dead?

It sure looks that way!

The California Attorney General has pulled out of the settlement talks and plans to run her own investigation! I wouldn’t be surprised if the New York Attorney General followed, since he‘s already talked about investigating on his own, and says he’s looking forward to talking with her.

For that matter, since Nevada‘s Attorney General has taken Bank of America to court for (allegedly) not abiding by a 2009 agreement on foreclosures and foreclosure fraud, it would make sense for her to join the party as well.

In Closing: The D Word; I miss the old days too; I guess they were in the building so that makes them accessories?; Occupy Wherever (like, say, Vegas); yes, mostly; about time somebody called out this BS; mechanically challenged; hell no!; and Happy October.

Clive Barker’s SHORTIESRAISER

Ok!  Let’s clear some browser tabs!

Yahoo!: Not so excited about Wall Street protesters.

Anybody Surprised?: OnStar selling your data. But have no fear, they won’t give it to the FBI for free. Unless they ask sweetly.

To think I’ve been paying money for this: How to make your own ricotta.

Explain it again: seriously, how does lower taxes for wealthy individuals cause these guys to create jobs?

It was still the damned scopes: Desai will stand trail.

From the Archive of Great Headlines: Anonymous US Officials push open government (HT).

Drew hits the nail on the head: How some people think it’s obviously meant to read.

More missing good old days that were only good for wealthy white Protestant folks: colleges becoming increasingly unaffordable, and scholarships becoming increasingly scarce.

Don’t travel with cash: Unless you can afford to lose it.

We’re Number One!: In a bad way. Nevada leads the nation in domestic violence killings. Remember SafeNest.

Silence: At what point do we get noisy?

About the Ladies: Middle Class White Guy and crimes vs. reported crimes.

Wish I were surprised: Fewer than one in 4 people can correctly identify all 3 branches of our Government.

And last…

Oh Hai!: I brought you something!