ATTENTION POINSETTIA ARMY! This is Commander Potted Palm. The time has come to rise up! You’ve trained long and hard for this mission, and I see all of you are in your dress uniforms. Let’s get out there and make people believe that yes, we do indeed celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas in Las Vegas!
In closing: stopping terrorism with pork; Computer Engineer Barbie got a phone upgrade (and she’s reasonably priced); body image fail; a few items on employment, unemployment, jobs, and our clueless government; it’s hard to hate a benevolent dictator; stoptrying to kill Social Security!; now we might be getting somewhere, a couple of Harvard Law Students suing the TSA; Fed lent trillions of dollars rather than admit that our biggest banks should have been taken over by the government as insolvent; even a Fed Governor says some institutions are “too big to succeed“; it’s been a good week for Senator JohnEnsign; please, some freaking sanity about the Bush tax cuts!; close the Washington Monument; a strategy so simple even a Democrat can do it; I’m wondering why I canvassed for that man; and finally, Kim Jong-Il looking at things. Enjoy.
Now, I’m normally a Westin kinda person, but I enjoyed seeing J.W. Marriott Jr. point out that “the government has made it far more difficult for foreigners to travel to the U.S., costing the nation tens of billions in lost revenue and hundreds of thousands of jobs“.
My favorite part:
Marriott said he has met repeatedly with officials at the State Department and other government agencies, but they have been largely unresponsive.“We keep talking and they look at us and say, ‘We’re protecting the country,’ ” Marriott said.
In Closing:pterosaurs; “the official dietary recommendations are not sufficient for preventing obesity“; instant gratification; Senate passes “food safety bill” that kindly omits meat, poultry, and eggs (but does create a bureaucracy, so it’s all good, right?); homecoming; banks get richer off our money; 8 million fewer credit card users; privatizing Social Security is still a dumb idea!; and Sue Lowden is shocked — just shocked! — that Chickens for Healthcare didn’t send her to the Senate.
Where Have You Been?:Playing Black Ops. CODBO or BLOPS if you prefer. No zombies.
Daddy Says So, and That’s That!:Jeb is not running for President in 2012. Even though Daddy admits that “he’s a good man, he performed as governor, he’s well-spoken, he’s not an extremist, he’s not a wild guy that attributes bad motives to those that disagree with him, and he’s good. And people that know him and hear him say the same thing.” In other words, all the stuff Dubya isn’t.
Totally Silly Acronym: It turns out that TSA screeners don’t like to touch your junk either. Mostly. But even though nobody finds the current system acceptable, the Boss says it’s not changing. Now, one thing that surprised me being trapped at an unexpected layover in Tucson is that the color-coded alerts are still in effect (“orange,” if you were wondering). Well, maybe not for long. Oh, and Ms. Napolitano thinks that nudie scanners should be installed for other mass transit as well! Way to kill any hope of relieving traffic congestion! The idea is that “terrorists are looking for vulnerabilities.” Then I got news for you, the mall is the next target. It’s soft, it’s easy to get in and out, and it’s full of people who aren’t thinking of security beyond “where’s my wallet”.
Seriously, some people need to be told not to quit their jobs while trying to get a mortgage. Everything you need to know about getting a mortgage in this week’s Getting REAL (Estate) in Vegas, starring me with special guest Kari Phillips of Southern Fidelity Mortgage.
Today I was forwarded a hilarious item called “Classes for Women at the Adult Learning Center.” In it were such gems as the following:
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
[And my personal favorite,] Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Oh ho ho! How amusing! Forward to all your guy friends! Try not to spray your monitor with beer!
Well, what’s good for the goose is indeed good for the gander. So in the interest of fairness I would like to flip the brochure over and look at possible classes for men (no offense intended to the many fine gentlemen I know that could easily teach these classes):
Toilet Seats: the Three Critical Positions and When to Use Them
How to Ask for Directions and Read Manuals (with lab)
Etiquette for the Twenty First Century, or How to NOT get Slapped in Bars
Psychology Seminar: Just because she’s talking doesn’t mean she wants you to tell her how to solve her problems
Freeway Driving: It’s Not a Race to See Who Finishes First
[and finally] Sexual Intercourse: It’s Not a Race to See Who Finishes First
I was traveling last week — which explains the two picture posts — but did not have the *ahem* pleasure of doing nudie shots in the full body scanner or the full grope floor show. More on my trip another day, if I both feel like it and remember.
Of course by now everybody has heard about these special “x-ray” machines that leave nothing to the imagination. In fact, I think it’s a little misleading to call these things “x-ray machines” because they don’t do what the unit in your doctor’s office does; they are a virtual strip search. And yes, it has been demonstrated over and over again that they can and do save favorite pictures. These things being true, I hope some overzealous Attorney General decides to prosecute the TSA for producing kiddy porn.
Even if you are comfortable enough with your body that this does not concern you, there is the matter of radiation. Although the TSA insists that everything is fine and it’s all perfectly safe, actual scientists who aren’t being paid to tow the party line disagree strongly. Pilots of at least one airline have decided that just maybe the scientists are right.
So fine, you can opt out. Sort of. You can choose to have your private parts fondled instead, in a manner that in any other circumstance would be called sexual assault. Again I must ask whether it is legal at all to touch minors in this way. And the kicker? None of this would have stopped 9/11, the Shoe Bomber, or even the Underpants Bomber.
This doesn’t even address the 4th Amendment issues that the TSA and Federal Government would like to pretend you’ve waived by trying to get home for Thanksgiving.
But thankfully, Joe and Jane Average are waking up and just starting to say “No!” And Congress is even saying “Now just wait a minute here.”
It’s time to object to this treatment, consider abolishing the TSA, and look at how they do security in countries where the risk from a bomb is greater than the risk of somebody saying no.
In Closing:Shadow Scholar; millionaires don’t need tax cuts; a plane affair; how not to kill roaches; Congress prepared to screw homeowners to hide fraud by too-big-to-fail banks; ten times as many people care about jobs and the economy than the federal deficit, but I’m clearly only pointing that out because I’m a liberal; call a waaaahmbulance; insurance erosion; goin hungry; at least we’re “pay[ing] off debt” (even if it’s by letting the bank take the house, and just letting the credit cards go); and Shatner sings.
* It is a sign of respect for me to address him by his full and complete title! There aren’t many guys I’d do that for.
I’m going to start by saying the only thing I intend to say about politics today: if are an American adult and you didn’t vote in Tuesday’s elections, I have no desire to hear any of your opinions about politics, the law, or the economy. You had your opportunity to make your voice known, even if it was to vote for “none of the above.” Got that? Now get lost.
Now that that’s out of the way!
This week I’ve been collecting stories that just make you say “huh.” Like the newly found San Diego to Tijuana drug tunnel, complete with lights, ventilation, and a rail system! You know, if pot were legal and regulated, not only would this stuff have come into the country in a relatively safe truck, it would have generated taxes and tariffs. As a bonus it would be easier to keep it out of the hands of kids because the nice lady at 7-11 is actually going to check IDs. It would also cut the head off Mexican drug violence. (Funny, you heard a lot less about American gangsters after prohibition was repealed).
Another good one was USA Today informing us that kids who use “electronic media at night” sent an average of 34 texts or emails, and were often woken at night by calls or texts. Not surprisingly, they “may have mood or learning problems during the day….” Do you think??
But by far my favorite is the FBI manhunt for a couple involved in a Ponzi scheme. They allegedly defrauded a dozen investors of $3,000,000. Now here’s the strange part: the man met several of their victims while in prison. Now, would you take investment advice from a guy who was in prison? Apparently some people would.
Impressive: America needs roughly $2,200,000,000,000 in repairs to things like roads, tunnels, bridges and the like. You don’t suppose doing something like that might result in some kind of fiscal stimulus?
Stick to feeding the poor and preaching peace: young people increasingly turned off by the hateful political crap spewed by many churches.
Do Not Grope the Pilot: He would also like you to not take naked pictures of him, and moreover he would like you to assume he is not a terrorist.
Is it time to resign yet?: Senator John Ensign (the guy who isn’t Harry Reid) raised a whopping $18,000 last quarter. Unfortunately he had to shell out over a half million dollars in legal fees.
Color By Numbers: There are more black men in prison today than were enslaved in 1850. You don’t really believe that’s because the overwhelming majority of crimes are committed by black people, do you? You don’t suppose that there could be just a wee tiny bit of racism going on?
I Dare you?: D.A.R.E., encouraging children to put their parents in prison and themselves in foster care, all for the unworthy goal of the long since lost “War On Drugs.” Heck, we couldn’t even win the “War On Drugs” by re-destroying the #1 opium producing nation in the world!
Go Ahead, Make the Case for Medicare For All: Some insurance companies are threatening to stop writing policies if they are forced to follow the law in 2011 instead of a largely theoretical future date of their choosing. Yeah, you just go on and do that, suckers. In the meantime, the Feds are taking on Michigan Blue Cross for stifling competition in a way that raises prices. Nice to see them the Feds actually giving a darn about normal people over corporations for a change.
Obligatory Items on the Economy: Reich’s Perfect Storm; donations down 11% at the top 400 American charities; the problem with the economy so that absolutely anybody can understand it.
Password protection for your internet connection is a good idea: “Deputies arrested Candice Miller only after they raided the wrong house. Investigators busted into the neighbors’ house suspecting they were sending child porn. Turns out Miller’s neighbors didn’t secure their wireless Internet connection.”
The Difference Between Theft and Piracy: boils down to what you’ve got afterward.
If Only: Myth Busted! Can we move on to where you were born?
Smart people drink more: Alcohol consumption correlates with intelligence.
I guess I know what I’m wearing tomorrow:purple. Relevant.
It’s less annoying than air travel: record number of riders on Amtrak.
No I don’t really need this: but a pizza cutter shaped like the Enterprise is still pretty cool.
I promise it’s the only thing I’ll say about it here: (But expect a post over at BridgetMagnus.com about foreclosures later) Ladies and gentlemen I present the dumbest thing anybody has said about a moratorium on foreclosures! “For instance, in Cleveland, where there are over 18,000 vacant homes, lives Millie Davis who recently earned her Master’s Degree in Urban Planning from Cleveland State University and just bought her first home – one that had fallen into foreclosure and sat abandoned for years. Had a blanket moratorium been in place, that sale would have fallen through — not only deferring her dream of homeownership but leaving neighbors on the block to stand by and watch as their property values continue to plummet.” Now then first of all her Master’s degree couldn’t possibly have less to do with the situation. I’ve got one of those myself and a fat lot of good it’s done me. Second, I don’t think anybody is talking about going back and examining the paperwork on homes that “sat abandoned for years.” That is all water under the bridge. The priority right now is to make sure that the banks or other entities that are foreclosing on homes a) have the legal right to do so and b) follow all the applicable laws when they do it (and they probably don’t). Failing to find this out now could result in millions of homes that can’t be sold at all because nobody can prove who really owns them. Oh, and c) “vacant” and “foreclosed” are two different things, which is something I would have expected the Secretary of HOUSING and Urban Development to know.
And one last thing: great descriptions of things on TV.
You probably weren’t aware that I spent most of the last week in San Francisco. Something that few people will mention to you is that takeoffs and landings from McCarran in 110+ degree heat can be a little, um, bumpy. When we arrived at SFO it was substantially cooler. I do have to give Virgin America points for having really nice seats on their planes and a nifty in-flight entertainment system. Oh, and just a little word about air travel in general: if it’s big and heavy enough that it needs wheels, it is by definition not a “carry on“.
We rode the subway from the airport into downtown and from there walked to our hotel, the Westin St. Francis. It’s a great hotel on Union Square that actually survived the Great Earthquake. The Clock Bar in the lobby is a very nice place to have a drink, but it does fill up in the evenings. Pro-tip: you don’t have to leave the building to get to Victoria’s Secret but you do have to go outside to get to the Pink boutique.
I know this sounds dumb, but riding BART gave me a new appreciation for 20th Century music.
After settling in, walked to Chinatown, wandered through some shops, and ate at Sam Wo’s. This place has been there over a hundred years now, and there’s just no way it would ever open today. Here. Let Conan explain it to you:
In any event, we recommend the pork rolls and the chow fun. And try not to look like a tourist. Just go up the stairs, find a place to sit down, and pretend you’ve been there a million times.
In the morning, it was back to Chinatown for the kind of treat you just can’t get in most neighborhoods, dim sum for breakfast! Ask about where to get dim sum in San Francisco, and a lot of people are going to start telling you about Yank Sing, a wonderful little place that you have to know exactly where it is to have any hope of finding it. It’s always packed and frankly, kinda pricey. We bagged that in favor of the Hang Ah Tea Room, off one of Chinatown’s historic alleys. The food was just almost as good, but a third the price.
Then it was back onto BART towards Daly City, where friends picked us up at the station to go to a little place called Montara. Last time we were out there, we got to see whales breaching, but no such luck this time. It’s still just gorgeous out there. A great time was had by all, even their dog.
The next day was a bit of a hike. After some yoga in the morning, we walked to the Ferry Building, had coffee at Blue Bottle Coffee, and a late breakfast of sandwiches at Il Cane Rosso. From there, we walked down the waterfront, occasionally distracted by interesting things, until we arrived at Pier 39, or as we like to call it, Admiral Ackbar’s Pier. It’s a tourist trap! The smell of sugar and fried stuff is overwhelming, and you’re on the ocean! Just about the only thing you can do for free is see these guys, the famous sea lions of Pier 39:
A bit further down the waterfront is Fisherman’s Wharf, from which you can easily see Alcatraz:
But wait… what’s this?? A World War 2 Liberty Ship and a submarine! We went ahead and toured the sub, the USS Pampanito. By chance, there happened to be a gentleman touring with his grandkids who had actually served on such a vessel. Nothing exists on a sub that doesn’t have a purpose. Oh, and there’s no way Tony Curtis’s character on Operation Petticoat had private quarters.
Now, I haven’t the faintest idea why I decided to put a couple bucks worth of quarters in my wallet before leaving town. Perhaps I was thinking of vending machines? In any event, I was happy to have them when we arrived at the Musee Mechanique. Free admission, and an amazing array of picture viewers, player pianos, mechanical plays, pinball machines, music boxes, and even old video games, all operational and taking quarters.
Once we got down to the Cannery, we started back towards Little Italy. Not as famous as Chinatown by any means, but it has a special place in American History. Specifically, the history of banking in America. By this time it was mid-afternoon, and a great time for a snack! We stopped for pizza (and a bit of the house Chianti) at Panta Rei Restaurant. We wandered back through Chinatown to the hotel to chill out.
Dinner was at John’s Grill, home of the Maltese Falcon. The original. Honest. It’s one of those places that people have told us we just have to try. I don’t think the menu has changed much during my lifetime — seriously, you can still get the lamb chops with baked potato and sliced tomatoes that Sam Spade ordered in the book — and under normal circumstances that makes for an episode of Kitchen Nightmares. However, they pull it off perfectly. And don’t be afraid to order a cocktail; they serve all the classics in that department too.
Now, for those keeping track, that was all on foot. No rent car, taxis, buses, streetcars, trolleys, bikes, or boats. Over 5 miles of hilly sidewalks.
After our workout the next morning, we headed back to the Ferry Building. Moar Coffee! The farmer’s market was open and that meant plenty of tasty little food vendors. Pastrami burger for the win! Fresh organic peaches for dessert.
Again we went down the waterfront, but not too far. Next to the famous Fog City Diner is a peaceful spot called Levi Park:
Back behind the park, there’s this stairway. It’s a big, big stairway. And if you turn around at the landings, you get to see some spectacular views. Keep going all the way to the top — as if there’s anyplace else to go — and you end up on Telegraph Hill at Coit Tower. For $5 you can take the elevator to the top and get a truly spectacular view of the whole city.
Getting down from Telegraph Hill is almost as fun as getting up there in the first place. Remember that although pedestrians may have the right of way there are certain laws of physics that can’t be changed: cars are heavy and hills are steep. On the way back to Union Square, we stopped at Sam Wo’s for an afternoon snack. We’ve got to get our Chinese food when the getting is good. And so that’s why we ended up walking back to Chinatown for dinner at the Far East. Somehow we had trouble making our waitstaff understand that yes, we understand that certain dishes are spicy, and moreover we like it that way!
Another 5+ mile day. In the immortal words of Tony Horton, “It’s fun to be fit!”
Unfortunately, in the morning we had to start getting ready for the trip home: pack up, get breakfast on the go, walk to the train station (realize that yes you can get into the mall from the subway station), back to SFO, figure out what terminal we need (the international terminal? Really?), get through security, go home, do laundry.
The Beginnings of Made For TV Disaster Movie:The Night the Oil Rig Exploded. Several scenes already sketched out, with character development and dialogue, ripped from real life.
The “Experts” show their Ignorance Once Again:Experts declare that kids don’t need close friends. Parents scratch their heads, wondering where the heck kids will learn to have relationships with other human beings.
Sargeant?
